life's expectation, what yours?

usually if aku dh dok menaip pagi2 buta ni tak lain tak bukan mmg sbb malam tadi takleh tido langsung..too many things racing around in my mind, skit lagi dh nak sama cam F1..huhu.

I have this thought..and i know i'm a person with high expectation in life, be it to myself or people around me. Though i tend to, u know let it go at times, let it flow with what's life got to offer...deep inside i can feel the feeling of denial increasingly... towards my so call "let it flow" attitudes.

At times, i feel that i'm very bad in making decisions...decisions involving my own life, for God's sake!. I tend to think about how other people around me would feel first, i can't stand it if i felt that i've ruined someone's feeling and over the years i've develop a very high intensity of living in denial. In denial of my own true feeling, sucking up to the idea of what if this is not what i expect it to be? making a verrry wrong decision..(even when i'm only thinking of doing it, belum buat lagi tuh!)..i'll shrink back in my shell for the zillion-th time ever.

Even if what i'm currently attached to doesn't meet my expectation, and i can get what i expect out there..i still feel its better for me to be where i am now..rather than pursuing or chasing for my expectations. What the HELL is wrong with me? why can't i just stand up for once and stop living in denial no more??? how hard is that?? sighh...my thoughts and my feelings seems to have "perang saudara" here.

I always will think of the worst case scenario if i were to chase or get my expectation, why does my thought works dat way? i really can't figure it out...but one thing that i do know is, i can't keep living in denial. I just have live up my expectation regardless of what the consequences are..after all everything has its pro's & con's kan?

besambung when i'm not living in denial lagi..huhu

A Matured Soul

selamat menyambut ramadhan kepada semua umat islam, i'm writing this right after sahur sharp at 6.10am, i read this book last night when i'm tossing & turning on my bed trying to force my sleepy eyes to sleep and my brain to synchronize with it.

I just felt the need to share this lil' info that i feel could be put to good use, for me as well as the readers out there;

Criteria found in a person who has already reach a matured soul phase:

1. They are generally very friendly and have a pleasant smile.

2. They liked other people and feels easy to help others.

3. They're always keeping themselves abreast with the upcoming news (*important ones)

4. They often dressed up very casually (not overdo), they didn't try to impress others

around them with the wealth they possess.

5. They are not the type of person whom like to whine.

6. They could understand people who are younger or older than them, and have the

ability to mix around with both groups of people.

7. Among them, some loves sports and will be doing it till they're at the golden age with

a happy heart.

8. For them, the purpose in involving in something is not to score the highest point,

only to stimulate the motivation in themselves

i only posses minimum 2 of these criteria...and i have found people around me with all these criteria, its really comfortable being around them...how about you?

p/s: i'm on my way of harnessing a mature soul..;)

Amy (bukan nama sebenar)

This story is about a friend that i met few years ago, Before going further down my storyline i would like to state that i'm not a judgmental person towards anyone..since i believe in giving second chance to others as well as myself, to me there's no one perfect out there.

We're meant to have friends, our family & our loved ones out there to make us complete in one way or another. However through the years i've known this friend of mine, let's name my friend "amy" (bukan nama sebenar ye) shall we? :). I felt that amy tend to keep away lots of things from me, it does bother me when we befriended after quite some time. However i always brush away my negative thoughts about amy, perhaps amy has reasons to not share the things that i felt i ought to know as a friend.

There's one time when i asked amy about it, amy turns quite & sour perhaps to let me drop the subject. Well after befriending amy for few years down the road i had to confront amy about this situation and amy claims to proof it in black & white.

One day as promised amy came by to bring the proof of my disbelieve, after dinner & drinks..i was too tired to raise the subject and amy left with the so called "proof". When i wake up the next morning..i text amy " i thought u said u wanted to leave the proof behind" but amy din replied to my text. After a while i decided to call amy, and amy told me "sorry, i carry it off with me yesterday..can i scan n email it to you?". I replied " i thought we have agreed on the hard copy?", the air is heated with arguments between amy's word and my heated chest. After which amy claims the line is not good, that amy can't hear me clearly..amy told me will call later.

To my surprise (actually i'm not really surprised)...amy didn't even bother to call nor sms. Amy only called the next evening about 45 mins past 7. Amy tried to speak as if nothing had happened, and sensing my unresponsive tone..amy said "i'l scan it and email you tonight, ok?" since i didn't agree on it on our arguments the day before.

At this point of the conversation i realized that i have no more strength nor passion to continue my friendship with amy, i guess we have reached a so called T-junction that i decide to drop amy where amy belongs.

Dear amy, though i feel like i wanna whack you off your arse..i decide to let it pass me, i believe as best-est friend of mine said " karma pandai la carik amy tu nanti"

p/s: i'm not writing this in a sad mode, in fact a very calm one..since amy actually never really

belong to my journey ;)

Yeaaa...baju baru for my blog!..*wink*

aaahhh..its been long since i wrote here, so rasa cam nak tukar baju dia sikit baru la nampak lively skit..hehe, what do u guys think? cantik tak? hehe..its been 4 months since the "tragedy" happen to my life, my emotion is already at the stable condition though it could spike up when i saw someone on fb related to the "tragedy", somehow i decide to let it pass me.

i've been having trouble to sleep lately, gets worst after i came back from spain for our TTW trip on july 3rd. I gotta admit i have lots on my mind..with all the achievements i badddly want to craft on this journey. Which will determine where i will stand for the next years to come.

My ex-boss once asked me "faizah, have u ever slept and wake up in the middle of the nights? and u can't get back to sleep?"

i replied " no, never..i sleep soundly every night :)"

he then smiled and replied "hmm..u're very lucky girl :)"

back then i was thinking " ape la mamat ni tanya soalan camtu, time tido..tido je laa"

now..at this stage of my life i know what he meant, with all the expectations u want to have in life, and all the "cabaran dan onak duri" that gets along the way..with the "ouchhh", "arggghh" & whatever sound we make.

At times we tend to be weaker than we should be, only to realized that we have an extraordinary strength lies in within us..that's just waiting to spark of..thus i believe whatever life throws at me, i should never ever question my believe to earn all the SUCCESS i want to have in this journey!!.

I believe with all my heart & soul that i will make my journey a GREAT one!!

one fine friday..

This has happened two weeks ago, came rather unwarned..as of today for as long, only to know where i stand in the eyes of those people i love around me. Loving them rather unconditionally, being the one that would do anything just for their sake..perhaps the only way that i could learn about life is in such a way.

I've vow not to let anything be on my way to achieve whatever i've put my mind into..

And if the only way for those people i love to believe in me is by proving to them i'l be on top with or without their believe..i will show them one fine friday.

Even if i were to fall on my face..i'll instill the believe in their very heart, that it'll whisper in their ear..that's my vow & a challenge that i must take.

Tiny hollow feelings...

Started to felt this feeling recently, the harder i tried to ignore..the stronger "that" feelings struck me. I just wanted to have a normal life, learning to love others that loved me, loving them in the most possible way i could..at times i felt "selfish" for trying to love others that has loved me so much yet i still could afford having "that" feeling in me! What's wrong with me?

Which one do i follow, my hearts or my brain?

If, i do follow my hearts..will this tiny hollow feelings vanished altogether? will i feel contented?

And, if i follow my brains..could i keep denying this tiny hollow feelings? would it robbed my sanity one fine day? or i'm just gonna be fine swallowing it to my stomach & let the gastric juice down it away?

Do others feel this way too? how do they overcome it?

come clean, tell the truth? or...be a coward like i am now? (sacrificing these hollow feelings to my very gastric juice).

I hope time & my prayer will keep me insane should i follow my brains one fine day.

demam kura-kura...

last week thursday, after i came back from meeting a friend over for tea. I started sensing dryness on my throat, but i thought "hmm..tak cukup air kut, minum air lebih sikit ok la ni". Afterwhich i happily went to for a jog that same evening, and felt great!

After maghrib prayer, i sat to browse through tv channel...then my body felt a lil' hotter than usual. Then i thought "nape la badan aku rasa panas ni?..takpe makan panadol 2 biji ok la kut"..then i took 2 panadol. Bila nak tido tu..makin panas, i ended up tossing and turning in my bed till morning, then i obviuosly do not have the energy to wake up..with my throat dryness worsening.

However, towards late morning...my feverish feeling seems like recovered fully. So i figure.."isk isk demam ni main2 plak, makan panadol lagi pastu mesti ok dah ni, takyah la g clinic"

Malam tu demam ni main cak2 plak ngan aku, hampeh tul..and its worst! so i decided to visit a doctor..end up getting an mc for 2 days :)

p/s:w'pun seronot dpt mc 2 hari, tapi my feet tak berapa nak happy sgt duk umah for 3 days!..uwaaa..alhamdullilah dah sihat skrg.