I have this thought..and i know i'm a person with high expectation in life, be it to myself or people around me. Though i tend to, u know let it go at times, let it flow with what's life got to offer...deep inside i can feel the feeling of denial increasingly... towards my so call "let it flow" attitudes.
At times, i feel that i'm very bad in making decisions...decisions involving my own life, for God's sake!. I tend to think about how other people around me would feel first, i can't stand it if i felt that i've ruined someone's feeling and over the years i've develop a very high intensity of living in denial. In denial of my own true feeling, sucking up to the idea of what if this is not what i expect it to be? making a verrry wrong decision..(even when i'm only thinking of doing it, belum buat lagi tuh!)..i'll shrink back in my shell for the zillion-th time ever.
Even if what i'm currently attached to doesn't meet my expectation, and i can get what i expect out there..i still feel its better for me to be where i am now..rather than pursuing or chasing for my expectations. What the HELL is wrong with me? why can't i just stand up for once and stop living in denial no more??? how hard is that?? sighh...my thoughts and my feelings seems to have "perang saudara" here.
I always will think of the worst case scenario if i were to chase or get my expectation, why does my thought works dat way? i really can't figure it out...but one thing that i do know is, i can't keep living in denial. I just have live up my expectation regardless of what the consequences are..after all everything has its pro's & con's kan?
besambung when i'm not living in denial lagi..huhu