life's expectation, what yours?

usually if aku dh dok menaip pagi2 buta ni tak lain tak bukan mmg sbb malam tadi takleh tido langsung..too many things racing around in my mind, skit lagi dh nak sama cam F1..huhu.

I have this thought..and i know i'm a person with high expectation in life, be it to myself or people around me. Though i tend to, u know let it go at times, let it flow with what's life got to offer...deep inside i can feel the feeling of denial increasingly... towards my so call "let it flow" attitudes.

At times, i feel that i'm very bad in making decisions...decisions involving my own life, for God's sake!. I tend to think about how other people around me would feel first, i can't stand it if i felt that i've ruined someone's feeling and over the years i've develop a very high intensity of living in denial. In denial of my own true feeling, sucking up to the idea of what if this is not what i expect it to be? making a verrry wrong decision..(even when i'm only thinking of doing it, belum buat lagi tuh!)..i'll shrink back in my shell for the zillion-th time ever.

Even if what i'm currently attached to doesn't meet my expectation, and i can get what i expect out there..i still feel its better for me to be where i am now..rather than pursuing or chasing for my expectations. What the HELL is wrong with me? why can't i just stand up for once and stop living in denial no more??? how hard is that?? sighh...my thoughts and my feelings seems to have "perang saudara" here.

I always will think of the worst case scenario if i were to chase or get my expectation, why does my thought works dat way? i really can't figure it out...but one thing that i do know is, i can't keep living in denial. I just have live up my expectation regardless of what the consequences are..after all everything has its pro's & con's kan?

besambung when i'm not living in denial lagi..huhu